We've got a bigger problem now

Time, I think, for a rewrite of one of the greatest politicial songs of all time. Could you imagine Jello Biafra belting this baby out?

I used to be mayor of a small town
I always smile
And never get down
Soon I will be president....

Obama power will soon go away
I will be Fuhrer one day
I will command all of you
Your kids will slaughter moose in school
Your kids will slaughter moose in school


[Chorus:]
Sarah Palin Uber Alles
Sarah Palin Uber Alles
Uber Alles Sarah Palin
Uber Alles Sarah Palin

God says I'll control you
100 per cent moose stew
You will snowmobile for the master race
Forget abortion if your daughter gets raped!

[Chorus:]

Close your eyes, can't happen here
You've got nothing left to fear
The god squad can't come back you say
But for your rape kit you must pay
But for your rape kit you must pay!

Never forget 2004
Knock, knock on the White House door
It's the Karl Rove secret police
And they've won, so forget about peace!

[Chorus:]

Christian right can't get enough of this tramp
I'l like an Oval-shaped base camp
Don't worry I'm as pretty as a flower
We'll get drilling' as soon as I'm in power

Choke on all that greenhouse gas
Big oil's plan already hatched
McCain must have been advised by a clown
When he picked the mayor of a small town
When he picked the mayor of a small town!

[Chorus:]

And here's the original

CentreRight gets it so wrong

ConservativeHome is quite simply the most useful blog on the British political scene, regardless of your views. Its in depth, incisive coverage has contributed much to that party's revival. But it's getting it so wrong with its CentreRight strand, which has become a cheerleader for the most despicable aspects of America's neocon excesses. There's even a post about loving Sarah Palin, and you can't get much more wrong than that. Worst of all is this despicable exercise in racism and sexism disguised as a political point - and a cackhanded point at best. Ok, it's not their video and if you tilt your head at just the right angle you may be able to see an ounce of humour in it. But it's a poor choice and brings all the things people hated about the Tories in the 80s and 90s sharply back into focus. You expect the frothing-at-the-mouth idiot brigade (viz, Melanie Phillips) to turn into an expat Fox News but when you've got a dyed-in-the-wool Tory like the inimitable Boris Johnson realising that Obama is exactly what America and the world needs right now you'd hope Tim Montogmerie and his people might wise up, or at least reign in the silliness.

Shit headlines are really annoying - and potentially dangerous

The Daily Telegraph - once the best newspaper in Britain, despite its odious politics and odious owner. Then the Barclay brothers moved in and started hacking away, helped by some over-zealous young henchmen from The Mail. I suppose when you cut corners you end up with headlines that don't make sense; take today's

Homeowner told to take down fence he repaired due to planning laws

Surprisingly not about a homeowner who repaired a fence due to planning laws and was subsequently forced to take it down. A little comma goes a long way. In the old days I'm sure the sub-editor would have been taken out and shot for such an error. We'll see how long it takes whichever techno whizz-kid put this up to realise his mistake. The Telegraph has recently been culling its sub-editors and, according to the blog of Justin Williams, who seems to be the chief apologist for the Telegraph's multi-meejah revolution, the whole position is due to be replaced by computers who can check libels, put garbled copy into style, come up with a witty and incisive headline and wipe the editor's arse while they're at it. Presumably this is just the kind of mistake they should be avoiding, then.

But it's not nearly as (potentially) serious as the cock-up at another newspaper which is axing staff, The Mirror.

Sarah Palin found guilty of abusing power while Alaska governor

No she wasn't 'found guilty' of anything - nor charged with anything. She's undoubtedly a slimy waste of humanity, an insult to her gender, an associate of terrorists, a scumbag who charges women who've been raped for the privilege then tells them they can't abort their kids. Lovely woman. But not a criminal - not yet anyway. This is the result of an investigation, it isn't a finding of guilt. Even the most wet-behind-the-ears sub would pick that up. The pimply teenage web geek in charge of upholding the reputation of one of Britain's greatest and most famous newspapers obviously didn't. But would Justin Williams' sub-bot? We wait with baited breath...

Northern exposure

Where to start with the cobblers from the chinless Tory wonders of Policy Exchange who today announced that the North will be shut down and we'll all move to three million new homes sandwiched in between Oxford, Cambridge and London approximately a week after David Cameron wins the next election.

The author admits himself that the report might be viewed as 'barmy' and also admitted on Up North telly (in colour! with Gordon Burns!) tonight that he hasn't been to Liverpool in years (but had visited Preston, which might be a clue as to where his jaundiced view of this part of the world comes from).

But there are endless examples of thinking the unthinkable becoming reality - see Joseph, Sir Keith.

So we need alternatives - try this for a three point plan for the North;

1)Decent transport links. Two hours from Manchester to Euston puts it in commute distance - and why not? Metropolitan job, realistic cost of living - ideal
2) Move every Government job - except those which require regular face to face contact with people outside Government - to the regions. Within a year.
3) Move Parliament. Have at least one session of Parliament outside London every year. Ambitious? Yes, but it can be done


But will it? See Spooks Code 9 for the answer!

If this is an action plan.... I'd hate to see an inaction plan

Poisoned dwarf Hazel Blears has come up with her so called 'action plan' for Blackpool now we're not getting a supercasino. And she's really excelled herself/

Aparently we're getting;

£82m for sea defences (which are already half-built and without which we'd end up drowning anyway)
£100m for trams (work already underway, announced last month)
and £100m for schools and higher education (announced last year)

So basically we're left with what we've already got - no new conference centre, nothing that'll create jobs, no new investment.

It's time local MPs Gordon Marsden and Joan Humble did something useful. The casino is dead - we need better conference facilities because the Winter Gardens is becoming a joke. Come on, don't just dump us into the Irish Sea, give us a chance!

Nice bottle of Sauvignon Blanc later....

It appears the Dems race is tight as expected, although Hillary seems to be winning Oklahoma, Huckabee appears to be batting above his weight, especially in Georgia.

Things you don't see in UK elections #1

Tornados keeping voters away from the polls in Memphis, Tennessee and parts of Arkansas. Hmph, just apathy if you ask me...

Georgia on my mind...

There's ABSOLUTELY NO HYPERBOLE in the 'best policial team on television' claim. And we're 11 seconds away from the polls closing in Georgia

Blimey - they're projecting for Obama, what about the Republicans? Three man race, hmmm

A choice of viewing

Sky News has been heavily flagging up its Super Tuesday coverage in recent days. Suspect the BBC will give it more than toke treatment as well on News24. But the best bets are surely the US channels. Fox News shouldn't really be a contender, but I quite like the light touch and the Democrat bashing is so telegraphed its hilarious. That should leave CNN, but on South Carolina primary night I got a bit distracted by;

A) The fact it's presented by an ewok (pictured, right)
B) Said ewok keeps banging on about 'the best politicial team on television' (say's who?)
C) Carl Bernstein looks nothing like Dustin Hoffman

It's a dilemna alright....

Live (ish) Super Tuesday blogging

Alright, bit of a spur of the moment decision this, so I reserve the right to drop off halfway through. Already Mike Huckabee (My favourite on the Republican side - because (a) he seems like a personable chap and (b) the Dems will maul him) has won in West Virginia, with an Everybody Hates Mitt turnaround at the party convention.

The results from the Clinton/Obama bout start coming in in about an hour. Right now I'm watching Shameless. See ya

Ming and gone

He's gone and done it! Ming Campbell has done the honorable thing and realised that being an elder statesman doesn't make you a leader. Quick look at the runners and riders;

Nick Clegg - young, dashing home affairs spokesman and hot favourite. On the right of the party and was the subject of an attempt to lure him to the Tory party. One of the Orange book brigade and an early favourite

Chris Huhne - Showed an opportunistic streak when putting his name forward for leader after Charles Kennedy's resignation. Been lobbying hard behind the scenes, I'm told. Bit of a wet blanket, a charisma-free zone if ever there was one. Definite possible, but can't really see him restoring the poll rating

David Laws - Another thrusting young buck and another of the Orange book (eg on the right) tendency. Probably won't take on Clegg

Lembit Opik - no, seriously

Vince Cable - surely they couldn't be that stupid again?

Simon Hughes - Hughes is a grassroots favourite but can't seriously see the public going for him (as it where) after the truth about his sexuality was eeked out last time (was going to be much nastier, but in fact looking back at the revelations there's no suggestion he did anything a grown adult shouldn't be doing)

Probably many others. Icky about some of his views as I am, Clegg would get the Osato vote, where he a paid up party member

News haiku #2

Tesco backs school sport,
but how many vouchers buy
a new playing field?

This is fun...

News haiku #1

Poll talk unites Tories,
Brown blows big opportunity,
Hung parliament next

War on terror going swimmingly

Apparently 40 per cent more people were killed by terrorism last year than the previous year. Hmm, it's finally making at war on drugs look good...

Bye bye Boris

Interesting to note the name of the Kremlin spokesman who announced the sad death of former Russian premier Boris Yeltson.

Alexander Smirnov

Let's drink to the great man tonight!

Mail me!

Get in touch, I don't have many friends!

Back again

Right, haven't posted in a while and I'm in a foul mood. Who's worth venting a bit of spleen on?

Let's start with Ian Dale. Nice contribution to the Tory bid to get rid of Blackpool's pair of useless Labour MPs with his unfunny, and slightly pointless jab at the resort I'm (un) lucky enough to call home in his post on Aaah-nuld's scheduled visit. The unbelievable snobbery of the Dales of this world really takes the piss. Do they just want us to collapse into the sea or something?

Speaking of the seaside town they forgot to burn down, the pointless campaign to get Parliament to-sort-of-but-not-quite overturn the Casino Advisory Panel's decision to put the UK's one supercasino in Manchester and not Blackpool enjoyed a pyrrhic victory the other week when a couple of peers were asleep, rat-arsed or passed out in a pool of their own piss when they were supposed to be voting in the House on a 'rebel amendment.'

And doesn't that just smack of rebellion to you? What do we want? A review of the panel's decision? When do we want it? Whenever you can manage it, ta.

Anyway, I digress. The truth is that between the Chancellor and the British casino industry any chance of meaningful regeneration anywhere via a casino was scuppered a long time ago. Are you going to spend £300 million on a swish hotel and conference hall when the exchequer's going to take half the profits from your as-addictive-as-crack slot machines? Obviously not. Even less so if the rat-infested fleapit down the road is also going to be offering £1m a go slots.

But it won't stop the flat earth brigade - at least until the local election (in which all but about two of the candidates seems to be backing the casino spin) is out of the way next month.

That's quite enough for now. Back soon.

Where's Guido?

Can't get into Guido Fawkes' site for love nore money tonight? Surely couldn't have anything to do with this, could it?

Big Frei up

Apparently America is warming to Al Gore, according to the Beeb's man in Washington, Matt Frei.

Would this be the same Al Gore who won some 600,000 more votes than 'President' Bush in 2000? 51 million votes seems fairly warm. Perhaps if he hadn't had a VP candidate who was almost as right wing as Bush dragging him down or a Supreme Court not appointed largely by a senile Hollywood actor he'd be in the White House and the nightmare of the last seven years would never have happened.

You have to question what the point of Frei is. He might as well be in Washington, County Durham for all the insight he brings. In fact the BBC's website has been dire on US issues for years, with Newsround-like tone and a hazy grasp of foreign affairs - tipping (Canada-born) Jennifer Granholm as the next Democract US presidential candidate, for example. Only slightly less dumb than tipping A-nuld for the White House.

With the Washington Post (especially Chris Cillizza's unmissable The Fix), Meet the Press and, of course, the irrepressible Daily Show at our fingertips, do we really need a no-mark with a fat expenses account hob-nobbing across the Atlantic? Make 'em good or make 'em go away. Please.

Quick change of plan

Was going to blog tonight about the House of Lords reforms (snooze). Why can't we have real democracy rather than the ludicrous regional list system, under which you can choose any candidate you want, as long as it' the one the party machine favours?

Under Jack Straw's plans, half the upper house will be chosen by party leaders and the other half will be, well, chosen by party leaders - with only a handful of members (those the parties aren't too taken with anyway) at risk of lsing their seats.

But then Guido's blog led me to tipped me in the direction of some telling revelations about the sad death of former MP Fiona Jones.

Now I'd never taken to Mrs Jones, she seemed like a whinger with an air of sleaze hanging over her after her arrest and subsequent convicition for electoral expenses irregularities (a conviction that was rapidly overturned on appeal).

But, having read Jane Griffiths' blog, and an excellent piece by Patrick Barkham in The Guardian, it's clear there's more to this than a sad woman turning to drink as her career is thwarted. It's yet another incident in the life of this god-awful Labour government that should have them hanging their heads in shame. Particularly shocking is the accusation over a male cabinet minister's supposed 'sex for promotion' offer.

I was going to suggest anyone concerned about House of Lords reform could post on Jack Straw's own local newspaper blog. where, apparently, this week's most pressing issue is the managerial talent of Blackburn Rovers' Mark Hughes.

Come to think of it, you might want to ask him about the death of Fiona Jones as well...